The best reason to live is that there is no reason to live.
I walked to your apartment in the late night.
Flowers I didn’t plant began to be flowers
and I was a color and then I was none.
Conrad said, let the train take you anywhere.
I passed all the old stops. With you I liked being nowhere
and with you I live nowhere now.
The best reason to paint is that there is no reason to paint.
Keith Haring wrote that, it could be about us.
I go into churches and I go into bars:
I feel the time stop.
To feel — you can’t stop at some point.
Stop time. Time stops you.
No one will let you through if you don’t walk your own sadness.
No one will let you touch them if you’re a person at all.
And you. You, you, you
you can read these lines in any order
because I want to leave nothing out anymore
and there’s nothing here.
Words are just words. I got nowhere.
Some new thing — everything I need to feel
I feel twice and risk three of. Some new thing —
how there’s more here without us at all.
i think part of my problem is that i want to go back to who i was before when really i should be becoming someone even better than that. as much as i hate it this did happen and that has to be a part of the person i’m going to be. i’ll never be able to go back to the girl who didn’t need anyone and thought she was invincible, who didn’t know what the depths of hell felt like. and all the embarrassment i feel about how weird i’ve been even when i’m “good” isn’t going to disappear. i have to work towards who i want to be, and that can’t be a previous version of myself. i have to become someone who is above what happened to me. who learnt from it. who knows what they don’t want to be because they’ve already been it. i have to be stronger than i was before because that past version of me was vulnerable to this and i can never let that happen again. i realised that being better for me means being independent and that is true. but the girl that didn’t need anyone was a lie and look where it got me. independence and loneliness aren’t the same thing, so i will always need people in my life but i won’t rely on them and i need to learn to put that distinction into practice. i will be invincible though. i will build myself brick by brick and make sure there are no flaws. i will know what i can take, and it will be anything and everything because i have already shared my mind with monsters. i am not going to glorify mental illness and say some bullshit about how it’s taught me appreciation. i loved the world so much before anything ever went wrong. but it has stripped me down to nothing, and given me the chance to rebuild myself from scratch. so. let’s build. i don’t care how long it takes. i will never go back there.
DETAILS | JASON WU
Petrified wood fossil with opal formed in the growth rings.
Opal is hydrated silica, which often manifests itself as either quartz or sand. This allows it to get into all sorts of interesting situations as it forms. Here, the silica has gotten into the softer parts of the tree that has rotted away and replaced it, while the rest fossilised as normal. There was a dinosaur skeleton found in my hometown that had its bones replaced by opal. He was dubbed Eric and he was a plesiosaur. I never got to see the exhibit, since it was given to a larger university or museum that could take care of it properly, but from the photos, it’s stunning what opal winds up as.
On June 5, 2012, Hinode captured these stunning views of the transit of Venus — the last instance of this rare phenomenon until 2117. Hinode is a joint JAXA/NASA mission to study the connections of the sun’s surface magnetism, primarily in and around sunspots.
Image credit: JAXA/NASA/Lockheed Martin
1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her. It’s okay. I will still love you.
2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special. Celebrate anyway. Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you. Cherish that love. Revel in it. It is the best gift you will ever receive.
3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut.
4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you. Why did you get that tattoo? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why aren’t you married yet? You don’t have to answer them. Be selfish. Keep somethings to yourself.
5. Some nights you won’t be able to sleep. You will lie awake at 2 am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point. Get up. Get out of your bed. Do something. Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters. You matter to me.
6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own.
7. There will be several nights when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.
8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on.
9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home.
10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.
11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.
12. Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.
Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.
Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.
Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.
Are you listening? Because this is your life, singing a siren song to capture your attention and steer away from the rocks, to guide you back home."
collections that are raw as fuck ➝ rami kadi f/w 2013-14